In
AD 54, Nero Germanicus became the emperor of Rome. You’ve probably
heard of him. According to tradition, he killed off his mom, used
oil-dipped Christians as garden lamps, and accidentally set fire to
most of the city while trying to clear some land for his new palace.
In 1946, he was reincarnated as Donald Trump, and now he’s trying
to get back into office.
Just kidding, just kidding. Donald Trump isn’t Nero. He can’t possibly be both Nero AND the actual antichrist.
Just kidding, just kidding. Donald Trump isn’t Nero. He can’t possibly be both Nero AND the actual antichrist.
Okay,
okay, sorry. Gone too far. Now I’m gonna try to fight fair.
Trump
has won state after state after delegate after state in his quest to
win the GOP. There has to be some reason. His campaign slogan, “Make
America Great Again” isn’t necessarily the worst campaign slogan
ever, and maybe it’s hitting home with disillusioned white people.
(Quick
side note. I did some research, and the actual worst campaign slogan
of all time was Barry Goldwater’s 1964 mantra, “In your heart,
you know he’s right.” This isn’t so bad in and of itself.
However, his opponents quickly returned with, “In your guts, you
know he’s nuts,” which you KNOW single-handedly lost Goldwater
the election. Heh.)
Trump’s
motto is a halfway-intelligent appropriation of Ronald Reagan’s
1980 campaign verve. Did you know that Reagan used the same slogan?
More significantly, Reagan used the same appeal to middle-class
whites who were leery of foreign power.
Reagan
was telling Americans that the Cold War would end, the Russians
weren’t going to bomb them, and everything was going to be okay.
Trump is telling Americans that the cold war of terrorist threat will
end, the Syrians aren’t going to bomb us, and everything is going
to be okay.
Trump
has tapped into some nascent xenophobic energy, and this makes sense,
because the collective American psyche has arguably never felt more
vulnerable to threat of the rest of the world.
There’s
a lot of depressing stuff going on besides terrorism. China owns us.
The media is glutted with Middle Eastern violence. We rank abysmally
low in international comparisons of education systems. I just saw an
expensive oil painting of Obama playing a violin outside the gates of
a burning White House. America just doesn’t... feel
“great.”
It feels afraid.
If
you are a Trump follower, or if you are in this psychological camp of
fear, let me plead with you for just a moment.
The
world already has enough precariously flammable players in the
sandbox.
In
North Korea, Brother Kim just announced that his military has just
developed miniaturized nuclear warheads to mount on ballistic
missiles, and he has threatened to use them against the United
States.
Brother
Kim is not a very mature person. Remember when he had Sony hacked
because they were making an unflattering movie about him? You don’t
have to hear all of his jingoist rhetoric to know that he’s
unstable. I’m not being ironic, guys. Kim is scary.
Further
missile news. Iran just test fired new ballistic missiles, and it was
probably in response to the day-earlier US criticism of its missile
program. Iran has a history of defying UN military sanctions and
hating the United States. Also, not to be cliche, but terrorism.
I
can’t see Trump effectively de-escalating potential conflicts.
North Korea threatens to bomb us? This is how it would go.
Kim:
“We have the right to nuclear warheads.”
Trump:
“Hmm? Oh look, the Chairman Mao guy from Gangnam Style is saying
something.”
Kim:
“We are going to deploy these warheads.”
Trump:
“Whatever.”
Kim:
“Recognize our power.”
Trump:
“I’m super rich.”
Kim:
“We are deploying the warheads in two hours.”
Trump:
“We
aw depwoying da wawheads in two owows.”
Bam.
Nuclear war.
You know what’s scariest about this scenario? You believe it could happen-- ver batim.
It’s
possible that there was a time when the worst outcome of a Trump
election would be national shame and international dishonor. This is
no longer the case. In all seriousness, we have neighbors who are
volatile enough to respond emotionally to the emotionally incendiary
nature of Trump’s bombast.
Even
if congress and the rest of the political system could limp on
legislatively without a functioning president, avoidable
international conflict is the inevitable outcome of a spokesperson
like Trump.
Few
would be willing to argue that Trump has the experience, stability,
or political acumen necessary to run America. Right now, voters
aren’t acting logically. Just emotionally. Given Trump’s
popularity, it feels like we are collectively responding to the
deep-seated fear of not living up to a post-World War II position of
supremacy. We want to “Make America Great Again” because we fear
the reality of our lost legacy.
Where’s
our Normal Rockwell-esque family cheerfully clustered around an
abundant dinner table? Where’s our Reagan? Where are the headlines
touting American glory overseas? They don’t exist anymore.
We
are not our forefathers. If I were to describe being American these
days as a meal, I would say it’s kind of an entree of obesity with
side dishes of cultural illiteracy, economic panic and a second
course of shame. And by not living up to our idea of what America
should be, we feel like disappointing non-magical squibs instead of
just normal muggles. The solution we have come up with is to bury our
heads in the sand and elect Voldemort president.
America
may or may not still be great, but in the least, we’re better than
that.
